I wrote this 9 months to a year ago. In context Michelle and I were struggling though we didn't know it yet and I had just started writing again after a decade long hiatus. I found it in my drawers at work yesterday, thought it was sorta interesting and decided to share

and now heavily cleaned up because it was all very poorly edited. lol
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Faeiries and Physics.
Fairytales and Princes
Someone was supposed to save me

My mother raised me on the dichotomy of fairy tales and science the way the faithful were raised on God. I cut my teeth on proof, spent a life time looking for love. I thought I found it once. Faith. Solid family values. trust. loyalty

Pride Honesty Loyalty Love

I want to write a story about the desert. Everything seems to begin and end in the desert. Not really sure why I am so drawn to the imagery of the desert...something having to with faith and desolation.

I have no faith still i feel like something is coming.

Faith- faith as something beyond trust. belief - Believe

Faith- 1) belief and trust in and loyalty to God. 2) belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion. 3) firm belief in something for which there is no proof. 4) complete trust. 5) something that is believed especially with strong conviction, especially a system of beliefs.

1) belief in and loyalty to God

They gave him faith from the very beginning, smiled down at him with hopeful eyes. Systematically they filled him with the easy answers, sure if they persevered long enough he'd never think to ask for clarification. They taught him to question everyone but them, for years those hopeful eyes and easy answers were enough. Eventually he ran through the questions till all he had left was that one. He read "Flowers for Algernon", cried at the end and wasn't really sure why. The inevitability of loss made him feel hopeless. He had muddled dreams full of thunder and cataclysmic pouring rain. Sometimes he was certain the end was coming...or maybe just a storm.

2) belief in the traditional doctrines of  a religion

The little girl often wondered what her mother had been reincarnated as. Was she a baby somewhere in Cambodia? A Pomeranian in Hollywood? Maybe a tree in a Pacific forest. Where ever she was Lilly hoped her mother had finally found peace. Sometimes she imagined her mother being reborn as her own daughter so she could give her mother the happy childhood she didn't get last time around. She needed to give her something better than either one of them had ever had - late at night the idea that it might be to late to save either one of them was almost more than she could bear.
 
3) firm belief in something for which there is no proof

"I'm so sorry" he said, his green eyes full of anguish. He looked so small in the bath tub, curling into himself. She wondered if she could believe him. He looked so tragic, like he was the one who'd had his entire life ripped out from under him. To be fair she supposed it had been.

"So..." she whispered, staring wet eyed at the huge pink expanse of her pregnant belly.

"So what were you expecting me to say? Oh thanks so much for telling me. I guess I don't care that you guys have been lying to me for a month."

The betrayal bubbled up in side her threatening to overwhelm everything. She felt like throwing up or dying, right there on the spot.

"I trusted you" she whimpered, I trusted you to at least protect our family. I trusted you. Do you know the last time i trusted anyone? do you?"

Through her rising hysteria she was dimly aware of his burbling apology. -:

"I know I know I'm sorry"

4) complete trust

Dogs trust people implicitly. humans never really trust each other...do they? Is there something beyond the elaborate games they play with each other? Can there really be that kind of faith? complete trust...perhaps it's me that's broken.

5) Something that is believed, especially with strong convictions, especially, a system of beliefs

Sometimes it's the little things that destroy you. One tiny moment that traipses irreverently through the entirety of your life changing everything it touches. The moment that I met you was that sort of moment. A breath in the scheme of things. A whisper and a gasp but that single moment brought fire everywhere it rested...even eventually to you.

- I know nothing about religion in this capacity
       -is physics a system of beliefs?

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so there ya go selissa one year ago. enjoy

I have been sick for three weeks now. Three weeks of staying in, of resting, of not cleaning anything with a heavy duty cleaner (I have two children this is a big deal!) I have spent the last three weeks on pause, in time out. Sitting and watching television and trying to not think that maybe this is how it all started for the human vegetable I call Mom. (maybe it was just pneumonia and to much tv-rots the brains you know)

Today I can say that I am finally getting better. I am on the road to recovery. I have things I need to do today and I am going to do them...unless I decide not to but the power is in the ability to decide.

This is just a declaration. An Exclamation! A shout from the rooftops. Fuck you Pneumonia and Pig Flu, you didn't get me, not this time. NEENER NEENER NEENER!

I want to before I wander back into my regularly scheduled blog, thank all of you for giving such good Xanga in the last three weeks. You have been wise and well spoken, thoughtful, helpful, abrupt, thoughtless, smart, judgemental, childish, mature, happy, sad....I have to say if you have seen my name in your footprints in the last three weeks even if i was too tired or sick to comment or friend you or what have you. I appreciated the time you put into putting your words down even when I didn't agree. Thank you. you're a peach. :)